Everyone tells me to enjoy my kids while they are young. “They grow up too fast.” “You blink and they are in college.” And though I have felt the truth in this kind of advice several times already, I’ve never felt it so strongly before…I registered my son for Kindergarten this week.
Kindergarten will be great for Ezra. He will be with other kids his age, learning new things, experiencing new things, gaining independence. And he’s such a fantastic kid (no bias here). He’ll make tons of friends and entertain his teacher…they can’t help but love his awesome dance moves, contagious laugh and ridiculous knock-knock jokes.
But…if I’m really honest, I’m having such a hard time with the reality of Ezra being at school all day long. To be sure, he has driven me nuts at times with fits in the grocery store or whiny pleas for more tv time. But I have been SO blessed by being able to be at home with him since he was so little. I know every secret. I’ve seen every hurt. I know his triggers, his tricks and the things that really get him interested. I’ve been there for his giant victories and huge milestones. I can remember twenty different funny things he’s said just this week, ways he’s made me laugh out loud, adventures we’ve had together. We live our lives together…almost every single minute of them.
I recognize that there are going to be so many more moments in Ezra’s life that I will have to “let go” of him. And parents survive this every year, some without any trouble, but my reality is that Ezra is ready for this and I am not.
I really can’t quite put my finger on what emotion I’m feeling. Sad, that we won’t have nearly as many snuggle up moments before he takes a quiet time in his room? Jealous, that someone else will get to see him laugh at his own silly skits and build his amazing “experiments”? Nervous, as he jumps into a new routine, new building, new rules, new everything? Fearful, that this amazing relationship we have right now will suddenly change, that he will grow up completely before I have a chance to catch my breath.
My child will be with people I have never met before, being taught and watched over by a woman I’ve never met before, spend more time away from me than he will in our home. Something about that is just so hard to come to terms with.
But its times like these that I’m overwhelmed with how thankful I am for Jesus. I’m a ridiculous mess, and He knows it and loves me through it. Even when my emotions are all over the place, they won’t overtake my heart…I can trust in the truth and faithfulness of God even when my spirit is in the middle of a storm. When the human in me is so afraid of changes ahead, Jesus tells me to keep walking…it will be okay.
And, as a friend recently reminded me, I’m not trusting my Ezra to a complete stranger, I’m trusting him to Jesus. Jesus, who loves him so much more than I ever could. Jesus, who has promised to protect and provide with His incredible power and wisdom.
And, hopefully, when my baby comes home from school we will sneak in some snuggle time before dinner and build giant towers together after homework. Hopefully he will still let me sing him songs and hold him for a few minutes before bed. He’ll still be my buddy, we’ll have adventures together and dance to Slingshot57 songs in the living room. For sure, I will be so much more intentional about the time we have together.
And we will tackle Kindergarten…Ezra, and me too, I think.